On human nature and making firewood from the fallen tree, the funny side of the credit crunch

I am going to try to put together the few funny bits I’ve come across with during this global human misery that we all now call credit crunch:

DG


Banklessons

– Trust me, I am an investment banker.
No, you are not, you are a spelling mistake.

– Marks & Spencer are in financial difficulty and have now merged with Pound Stretcher. They will now be known as Stretch Marks.

– A news report on Friday afternoon [21/11/08]: Somali Pirates in Bid to Buy Citigroup.” “We need a bank to keep our ransom money,” said the Pirates’ leader.

– Q: What’s the difference between a no-claims bonus and a banker’s bonus?
A: You lose your no-claims bonus after a crash.

– Woolworths used to be called “the penny shop”. Now you can buy 12 shops for a penny.

– Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan. In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank are soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank are reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black. Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

– Q: What’s the difference between Investment Bankers and London Pigeons?
A: The Pigeons are still capable of making deposits on new BMW’s

– Trick or treat [Tom Tholes]

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– If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49.00 left. If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, and then turned in the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

– Q: What happens if you go bust, your bank goes bust and the United States goes bust?
A: Nothing, except you still go bust.

– Quote of the day (from a trader): “This is worse than a divorce. I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”

– Q: What’s the difference between a merchant bank and Katie Price (aka. Jordan)?
A: Both are institutions whose reputation is built on assets that, on closer inspection, turn out to be entirely artificial, vastly over-inflated and in danger of going through the floor at any moment. But at least Katie Price is still worth something.

– Bankrobber

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– An elderly lady receives an e-mail from the son of a deceased (but wealthy) African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian 419 fraud, she e-mails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general’s son: ‘Icesave?!’ ‘What is this, some sort of scam?’

– Q: How do you define optimism?
A: A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday

– There are 30 billion prime numbers below 700 billion. The rest are all subprime.

– Q: What’s the difference between a bond and a bond trader?
A: A bond matures.

– They used to say there are only two sure things in life – death and taxes. Now there are three – death, taxes, and borrowing money from the Chinese.

– Q: How would you make a banker a millionaire?
A: Give him a billion and wait.

– Yesterday, we sat down our son and told him that it wasn’t going to be a good Christmas. He said, “Is it because of the credit crunch?” and we told him, “No, it’s because we don’t like you.”

– Q: What’s the capital of Iceland?
A:
About £2.50

– New Manchester United Uniform

– Q: What’s the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.

– People are too willing to put their non-existent money on credit cards. The only people who only accept cash are drug dealers. And they’ve all kept their jobs and still drive around in BMWs.

– I remember the good old days, when “credit crunch” was just the sound your kneecaps made when the loan shark caught up with you. They were simpler times.

– Bohemian Financial Rhapsody

Sing along…

Is this the real price? Is this just fantasy?
Financial landslide No escape from reality

Open your eyes
And look at your buys and see.
I’m now a poor boy (poor boy)
High-yielding casualty
Because I bought it high, watched it blow
Rating high, value low
Any way the Fed goes
Doesn’t really matter to me, to me

Mama – just killed my fund
Quoted CDO’s instead
Pulled the trigger, now it’s dead
Mama – I had just begun
These CDO’s have blown it all away
Mama – oooh-hoo-ooo
I still wanna buy
I sometimes wish I’d never left Goldman at all.

(guitar solo)

~~~

I see a little silhouette of a Fed
Bernanke! Bernanke! Can you save the whole market?
Monolines and munis – very very frightening me!
Super senior, super senior
Super senior CDO – magnifico

I’m long of subprime, nobody loves me
He’s long of subprime CDO fantasy
Spare the margin call you monstrous PB!
Easy come easy go, will you let me go?
Peloton! No – we will not let you go – let him go
Peloton! We will not let you go
(let him go !)
Peloton! We will not let you go – let me go
Will not let you go
let me go (never) Never let you go – let me go Never let me go – ooo
No, no, no, no, No, NO, NO ! –
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
S&P had the devil put aside
for me
For me, for me, for me

~~~

So you think you can fund me and spit in my eye?
And then margin call me and leave me to die Oh PB – can’t do this to me
Just gotta get out – just gotta get right outta here

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
No price really matters
No liquidity
Nothing really matters – no price really matters to me
Any way the Fed goes…

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